Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
