Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
