Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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