and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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