The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
