You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
