I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
