so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
