Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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