New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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