go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
