Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
