I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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