Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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