I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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