What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
