We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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