what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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