Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
