just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
And then he peed in my hair
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