fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
