and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
