man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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