I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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