my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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