i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
