you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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