Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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