Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
