She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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