You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
