Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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