worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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