So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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