They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
