She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
