i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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