Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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