just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
the gays at disneyland are vicious
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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