ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
