remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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