why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
