there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
