Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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