3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
