i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
