I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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