you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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