There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
