Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
