i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
