He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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