I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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